Your Monthly Periodical

By: Sheeny

A couple weeks ago I promised the twitterverse I would actually do the steak/egg/wine crash diet I touted in Issue 2. Don’t everyone freak out. I’m not saying I’m fat, nor do I have an eating disorder. (emotional eating doesn’t count, right?) Mainly, I was curious to see if the result would be a drop of six pounds on Monday morning. I was also going to do some research and see what the science behind the diet was, if any. Was it the protein, the wine?  As with most things I plan on doing, this turned into a bitchfest hellstorm of tears.

Saturday morning everything started off fine. I had my one egg, any style no butter with a glass of white wine.  Had some important Saturday morning errands to run and then planned to eat lunch. Unfortunately one of the errands was going to the grocery store to buy the steak for my dinner. Not only did I go to a grocery store, I went to the biggest fanciest grocery store in the county and took a tour of the extensive prepared food section. I walked through a buffet of chicken fingers, chocolate cakes, fresh nacho bar, hot soups and so much more on my way to the meat section. Already my low blood sugar was acting up. I was strong though. I only bought steak and then went home to eat my 2 eggs, any style, no butter with 2 glasses of wine. It’s somewhere around here that the experiment took a turn for the worse. I was still quite hungry after lunch and also quite dizzy. That didn’t stop me from deciding it was time to do my taxes. I gazed at the Turbo Tax screen through blurry eyes, flipped forms around, made piles of papers on the dining room floor.  By this time I was in extreme rage mode. I was not going to file my taxes, I was going to quit my job, I was going to close all my bank accounts. I was going to move to a commune. I was going to murder several people.

There was also another stumbling block on my path to crash diet success. The birth control pill is no match for the female magic that is cycle syncing along with my witchy springtime hormones. Something was in the air this month and I was in such a rage I didn’t even realize why I was in the rage. Did I immediately give up and break out a box of chocolate? NO! I had my steak dinner. I did cheat a little and added a side of steamed spinach. This diet was designed in the late 1940s when they had some funny views on vegetables. I decided spinach wouldn’t skew the results terribly. Dinner is also when you finish the bottle of white wine. Maybe if there had been something better on tv, maybe if I hadn’t wanted to kill everyone, I would have finished the wine and fallen asleep. Instead the crankiness reached max levels, I felt nauseous from the wine. I had an overwhelming urge to eat mozzarella sticks. Alas, I felt guilty.  I was letting down all the readers anxious to hear how my diet went. I was also proving to the people who already think it, that I can’t stick with anything even if it’s for 2 fucking days.

I lay on the floor miserably thinking about how the weekend is the best part of my life. I get to eat and watch tv and it was being ruined by eating eggs.  I went to Wegmans for a carb fest. It was late and my options were limited. If they’d had ready to eat mozzarella sticks out I for sure would have inhaled them. Instead I got tomato soup, roasted potatoes and then ate some bread I had at home.

Lessons learned:  When you’re menstruating, eat carbs and cheese. You’ll still want to murder everyone but at least there will be a small ounce of happiness in your day.  Lesson 2: eggs from unhappy chickens will pass their negative energy on to you. Buy eggs from chickens who wander happily all day.