Your Monthly Periodical

Written By: Male Correspondent #1

“I found plus sized lingerie in my husband’s closet. I am not plus sized. Should I be concerned?” 

Well, that could mean one of two things. One, he’s got a bigger girl on the side. Or two, and more likely, they’re his. I guess it comes down to how supportive you can be of your husband’s probable transvestitism. Let me share with you an anecdote. I had a friend whose brother basically went through the same thing. Married. Couple kids. Discovered he liked wearing women’s clothes. Would go out on the weekends, dressed as a woman. Eventually it took its toll on his marriage, and now he’s thinking about gender reassignment surgery, and has started hormone therapy. I believe in that case, something deeper was going on, but transvestitism is common, and in my humble opinion can make things a little awkward. Your best bet would be to discuss it with him, you know, like an adult, and go from there.

“Is it ever ok to read my boyfriend’s/husband’s Gchat, facebook, texts and email?”

Let’s look at it this way. Is it ever ok for him to do the same? How would you react? Are you all “I’d have nothing to hide from him” or would it be a big violation of your privacy? I know I’d be pissed off. It’s not like I have anything to hide either, but I think it’s a matter of principle. If you’re in the room and he’s chatting away with someone online, you have the right to ask him what he’s doing, but to go in afterwards is a little paranoid. Odds are you suspect something, so if that’s the case perhaps you should put on your big kid pants and ask him flat out, and tell him you suspect something and you’re concerned, and then decide if his placation is all you need. Otherwise time to find a new relationship.

“Do I have to be cool with his porn? It’s skanky.”

Some people aren’t cool with porn. Boring people who probably came from some paranoid religious upbringing that shamed them into believing their sexuality is an awful, disgusting thing, and if you look at porn your eyes will fall out, your palms will get hairy, and you’ll constantly seek newer more depraved forms of arousal, eventually culminating in something homoerotic. Porn is okay. Nudity is okay. Fucking is okay. Being curious about other people fucking is okay. Watching them fuck is okay. Recent studies (google it) have shown porn to be a healthy habit than a detrimental one. It beefs up your sex drive, and a sex drive, and sex, are all very good things. Like anything, too much porn can be harmful, just like too many drinks, too many cigarettes, and all the other things people go overboard with. If you have a significant other, watch a porn with them. Maybe nothing too hardcore at first, but give it a chance, and let yourself go. Get horny. Get fucked. It might just make your sex life a little better.

“Do I have to tell my husband I had lunch with my ex?”

What is with you people and your secrets? Are you trying to fuck your ex? Or did the relationship end on an okay note, and you just want to catch up with an old friend? Either way, you should tell, because it’s going to look pretty suspicious, especially if he finds out later. Does your ex currently have someone? If so, maybe make it a double, unless your husband is one of those guys that can’t accept the fact that you’ve been with anyone else. (If so, maybe you shouldn’t have married him to begin with, but that’s for a different column.)

“Kim Kardashian’s metal inspired beach look. Yes or No?”

You just ask questions like that to spite me. You know I hate those people. Does she look good in that bikini? Hell yeah. She’s by no means an ugly girl, physically at least. In all other ways she is a vile demon, but the bikini is pretty hot. I’d pee on her.