Your Monthly Periodical

Written By: Kat 

Over the past 25 years, my mother has dispensed all sorts of wisdom to me. Among the most important life lessons of all, she schooled me in wearing proper undergarments. Her advice was always very simple, she’s not much of a frills and bells type. Since summer is coming up– short skirts, skimpy sun dresses already making their debut– I think it is pertinent we address some issues regarding ladies underthings.

Things my mother taught me:

- Always wear clean panties. I know this should be a “duh,” but it was the first bit of undergarment advice I was ever given. The best part about this advice was really the presentation– my mother’s reasoning was that if I ever got into an accident, I would be terribly embarrassed if I had dirty underpants on. As though, if I were hit by a car while rollerblading in the mid-90s, an ambulance was going to arrive and the EMTs would first gather around to check the cleanliness of my panties. I have heard other girls tell me that their mothers or grandmothers told them the same thing, so maybe it was a generational thing. Or perhaps “get in an accident” is code for “impromptu sexual encounter,” either way, it’s solid advice.

- Wear a damn bra if you need one, and don’t cheap out. My mom was a large-chested lady on a teeny little frame, and from her I inherited a back-straining set of Ds. Maybe if you have smaller breasts, this is less relevant, but for anything over a C-cup, proper bras are an investment in your quality of life. Bras are something you wear all day every day. Firstly the medical reason, having a well-fitting, fully supportive bra reduces back and shoulder pains. Secondly for presentation reasons, boobs are awesome and you should do your best to enhance your lovely curves. Walking around looking all frump and saggy is just downright tragic. I am looking at your boobs. Always. And I am not alone. So know that.

- VPL is a big no-no. Visible Panty Lines. Just don’t do it. If you are wearing something clingy, wear a thong or seamless-style panties. If you can’t figure out the whole foundation-garment thing, find a more appropriate outfit. Also, I am not sure how this happened, but wearing a slip under skirts and dresses seems to be a dying art. I would like to bring slips back to the forefront of women’s fashion. They are not uncomfortable, and I think they look vintage-sexy. It takes away from our feminine mystique when everyone in the mall can see your blue panties through your cream-colored sun-dress. This counts double for wearing a white tank top with a colored bra. Layer up or find a cream-colored bra, I don’t understand what fashion statement you are making with your cheap-looking purple bra plainly visible through your top. Honestly, these things don’t look classy or attractive. If you can’t figure out the foundation garment thing, try switching up your wardrobe choices.

- Do not toss your bras in the dryer. To increase the longevity of your investment, lay your bras out flat to dry. They actually don’t take very long to dry, and you don’t risk catching the hooks on anything or messing up your underwire.

- There is value to proper hosiery. When she has had to dress it up, my mother’s always been a pantyhose kind of woman. Her generation was one of the first to have control-top, seamless, and fully nude hosieries. In the summer, this is somewhat less important, since bare legs are usually the way to go, but it’s important to note that spending the few extra dollars on nice pantyhose improves the tone of your butt and legs. As a personal addendum, I recommend wearing hold-up style hosiery whenever your skirt is long enough to accommodate it. I know a lot of ladies love control-top it because it pulls in your belly, but I find the high-waistedness of pantyhose extremely uncomfortable– yet sometimes still want the sleek effect of hosiery. Hold-ups are both functional and sexy. Plus, tossing panties on over a garter belt, you can just pee SO much more easily.

- No Spanx. Ever. Please. This is actually a completely personal bit of advice, not the words of my mama bear. To me, Spanx are representative of our give-up, good-enough culture. I am sure others will disagree, but there are ways to do everything Spanx do for your shape without stuffing yourself into that hideous synthetic sausage casing. Foundation garments and shapewear should make a woman feel sexy, I feel that Spanx are the complete opposite. Again, completely my opinion, but I stand by it.

And that’s pretty much it. I hope my mother’s lingerie advice was as informative for you as it has always been for me!