Sexytime History Lesson
Written By: Mango
2012: an age where we are oversexed and at the same time, under stimulated. Nakedness and pornography is everywhere. We have no values. Skimpy models grace magazine covers, bare asses and side boobs on every primetime television show. Celebrity Sex tapes and Jersey Shore Smush Rooms on repeat and 50 Shades of Grey on every supermarket shelf and best seller list. And the Internet. Oh God, the Internet. Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex. Over-Sexed Culture. We’re all going to hell in a fucking hand basket, no, we are fucking in the hand basket. And then posting it to our Tumblr accounts. So why are we so oversexed and why is this any different than generations before us? Or. Maybe we aren’t. Maybe, just maybe.. no, I can pretty much bet that they were just as horny and sexual as any of us are now, it’s just the methods have changed and you know, the invention of the smart phones and Internet and TV, blah blah blah, is just only now documenting it in a way and putting it out there in a way that there’s no hiding it.
Humans are sexual beings. Always have been. This notion that we have only recently become oversexed is bunk. How the hell do you think our ancestors had all those babies? You think they had 13, 14 kids by Immaculate Conception? Pleasureless sex? That they didn’t have the same desires that we have now? That threesomes and anal sex wasn’t a thing? I don’t buy that for a second. But wait, they didn’t put it out there like we do now and gosh what about all the sex toys. I mean, you can buy a vibrator at the drug store now a day. What more proof do you need that we are oversexed and have too much access to all things that should be taboo? Oh, and what about cock rings. And on and on and on.Well, I hate to burst your uptight bubble, but these things and more were all a part of our past, since pretty much the beginning of time. News flash naysayers, Cave Men not only had sex, but they drew pictures of it and created abundant figurines and sculptures to prove it wasn’t just about nakedness, but good old fashion porn. We even have proof, yup, it’s been unearthed.
The earliest eample of porn that archaeologists have found is an ivory figurine sculpted with exaggerated breasts and vulva that dates from 33,000 BC in a cave outside Stuttgart, Germany. According to experts the exaggerated features definitely makes this figurine pornographic. Apparently the ancient Germans knew how to get off because archeologists also found an eight inch long stone dildo, also known as the Hohle Phallus, which dates back to 26,000 BC outside the Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm, Germany. These aren’t the only sex objects and pornography, there’s been plenty of sexual cave drawings and sculptures depicting sex and pornographic images since the beginning of time, from all over the globe.
Okay, so we’ve established that ancient people had sex aids and pornography, but many people think that we are so much more open and vulgar with it in today’s society, but apparently that’s not so. You can find a larger than life cock statue carved in polished black granite, standing erect at 1.5 meters high in the famous Parashurameshwar Temple that dates back to 23,000 BC. If that’s not sex in your face, then I don’t know what is. Sexuality of humans was always being redefined and improved by modern inventions. Cut to 350 BC and olive oil began to be used as much more than cooking oil. We weren’t the only ones who needed a little motion lotion to liven up the bedroom. 300 AD, during the height of the Roman Empire, penis extenders began being used. Even ancient men had erectile dysfunction. Just strap the contraption on over the penis and voila- a perfectly good penis substitute to please your partner. In 500 AD, Geisha Balls were invented to help stimulate the penis during intercourse, these were also used by women to strengthen their pelvic muscles. And to think, Cosmo only tells us about Kegals. You think cock rings were a modern invention? Not a chance, they were using those back in 1200 AD, made from the eyelids of goats, eyelashes and all.
Thank god our forefather’s in the 1840’s improved the durability of rubber, this contributed to all sorts of inventions and improvements to higher quality sex toys and eventually better condoms. I’m sure they were glad that they didn’t have to get off like the ladies of the 15th century anymore and be stuck using rudimentary wooden sex toys. Ouch! thank god they already knew about lube at that point.
Let’s jump to 1869 and thank American physician George Taylor MD., for developing the first vibrator. It was much larger than the hand held models that we use today, this thing was a huge steam powered device, but plenty of housewives will attest, it got the job done. Back in that day they thought that massaging the uterus helped treat hysteria. I agree, nothing like a good old fashion orgasm to relieve a little tension. Take a peek in ladies magazine in 1899 and you’ll see advertisements for the at home model of the electric vibrator. Also good for curing headaches, wrinkles and neuralgia. Tell me why women of today can’t declare the same medicinal purposes of our sex toys. Next time I have a headache I guess I better try getting off with a vibrator before popping a pain reliever. You think our modern day, American Pie loving, sexed up culture today is responsible for silly sex stuff like blow up dolls? Nah, they’ve been around since the 1940’s, men needed something to fondle while they were away during WWII.
So here we are in modern times and we have things like vibrating smart phone apps and the widely popular Rabbit and glass penises and even dildos for our dogs, among so much more, but it’s really just an extension of what has been going on for all of time, as far back as we can dig up stuff out of the ground and read the earliest accounts. Sexual devices and positions have been depicted in early cave drawings and written about since we can decipher texts, and have been advertised for in the earliest publications there are. Pornographic films appeared shortly after the creation of the motion picture. In the early 1900’s, the first film was made in France, depicting a weary soldier who has a tryst with a servant girl. I can see that actually being a hit today. There’s a film dated at 1910 that depicts a woman masturbating, then having sex, as well as oral and anal penetration. Pretty much sounds like the stuff we have around today. By the 1920′s sex tapes were a plenty. As soon as a certain medium was invented, be sure that folks were using it for pleasure and putting it out there on a platter. So if people were enjoying and overindulging in sex from pretty much the beginning of time, then how come we feel like today is any different than any other time in history. Is it because now grannies in nursing homes are even getting STD’s and it’s become sort of an epidemic? Well STD’s are hardly anything new, grannies were getting it on way before today and obviously way before nursing homes existed. The first recorded outbreak of syphilis was recorded in 1494 killing more than 5 million people in Europe. Is it because it seems like sex is just so much out in the open? Well we’ve also had the mass amount of nude paintings and statues from the Renaissance period, (Hello David)! You’ve got the roaring 20′s and the beat generation, and peace love and sex in the 60′s, but before even all that, there was a Christian Sect in North Africa that shunned marriage and embraced Free Love way back in the 2nd century, and they’re not the only ones. The notion that non monogamous relationships and unwed sex is a thing of the modern world couldn’t be more off.
We all have seen images of the Old West with whore houses on every corner adjacent to every saloon. There were brothels aplenty and every one was having sex for money left and right. I mean they had sex temples back in 4,000 BC, this was not a new idea, by any means. Prostitution isn’t nicknamed the “oldest profession” for no reason. In the 19th century there were 200 brothels in Manhattan alone. It wasn’t until the past hundred years in this country that we began regulating prostitution and it only became illegal in Rhode Island in 2009. So really, how is it that our nation is declining and becoming more oversexed? Nevada is currently the only state left that you can legally practice prostitution and there’s only about 28 brothels in the state with about 300 registered prostitutes in total. Obviously there’s a large amount of illegal prostitution throughout our country, but comparative to long ago, it’s not that much.
Now think about the images we have of the 50′s with pressed suits and Suzy Homemaker. Just because they were wearing tighty whiteys that doesn’t mean they were all a bunch of tight asses… I mean who wasn’t boinking the Secretary? Calling Don Draper!
So we’ve been having sex and getting off and publicizing it in various mediums throughout time. To say that we are an oversexed culture in the year 2012, I think is a bit of an overstatement. Yeah we’ve got the Internet with just about everything from A to Z to get us off, but this isn’t new by any means, just a new way to put it out there. Yeah we’ve got a bit of sex on television, but it’s just a reflection of putting it out there in a form of media that’s popular as opposed to cave drawings and sculptures, or whatever media they had at any given time. So give me your rule 34 and the soft-core porn on showtime on demand, pull your bunched up panties out of your tight little ass and I’ll raise you a Magic Mike and a leather whip and Dildo shaped like an orca’s dick and cheers to the 21st century and what ever new sexual adventures and inventions that may bring us!
